Infertility and Surrogacy: A Psychological Perspective

So, you’re ready to expand your family through surrogacy. You’ve been on a journey to parenthood for a while, and this is the next stop before you get to come home with that bundle of joy you’ve been hoping for. 

As a two-time parent through surrogacy and a registered Associate Marriage & Family Therapist in California, I understand that your path has not been simple or without challenges. In this post, I’d like to discuss one of the leading reasons that people pursue surrogacy: infertility.

Infertility can take many forms and can impact us in myriad ways. It takes a physical toll on us, and an emotional one too. It’s easy to feel like we’re the only ones dealing with infertility when we see friends bringing home babies with ease. If you’re envious about how “easy” it was for them, I get it. Another easy thing is to believe a narrative that doesn’t suit you. So, let’s try something different. Let’s reframe the envy – you want to expand your family so much that you are pursuing alternative options to make your dream your reality. Let’s block out the noise from people who have had success so far and focus on you.

It can be challenging. It can be expensive. It can be isolating. 

How do we hold hope for something we want so much when the stakes couldn’t feel higher? For those dealing with infertility, this seems to be the central issue.

Remember, this inner struggle is normal. If you’re dealing with infertility, you may have had to grieve traumatic events like pregnancy loss, IVF disappointment, or feeling like your body can’t do its job. It’s okay to grieve and to hold onto that grief. These are things that happened, and they are painful. So painful. You have also had to carry feelings of being out of control. You can feel burnt out, hopeless, and rudderless. Who else understands what you’ve gone through? The silence around infertility can be deafening. It can be taboo to discuss our disappointments, especially when it comes to reproduction. This can cause you to feel alone. When you’re experiencing trauma, sadness, and grief, support from others can feel life-changing.

Even if you feel alone, I want you to know you are not. There are so many people in the world who have dealt with infertility. The World Health Organization (WHO) estimated that 1 in 6 people in the world is affected by infertility. That’s practically one person in every row on an airplane. How do we normalize conversations around infertility to expand our support systems rather than feel like competitors? Think about who is in your support system. Who can you count on to hear about what you’re feeling? A spouse, a friend, a family member, a therapist? Building a system that supports you when you feel alone is crucial to your well-being. When you pursue surrogacy, your support team expands so quickly – you have an agency, an attorney, doctors, and a gestational carrier who are all trying to help you have the baby you’ve dreamed of. You’re a crucial part of a team when you’re on your surrogacy journey. 

I know something else about you too. You are resilient. Despite the grief, the setbacks, the disappointments, the loneliness, you are not giving up. That’s the hopeful part of you. It may be hard to remember but notice that. A hopeful voice inside knows that your story is still unfolding. 

Protect that hopeful voice. Reflect on what makes you feel hopeful and what triggers your despair. If social media gender reveals or birth announcements are triggering you, then see what it’s like to limit your social media usage. Bring in more of the hope and protect yourself from what makes you feel hopeless.

Surrogacy does not erase the grief or anxiety you’ve experienced. Nor should it. That’s an important part of your story. But your story isn’t over. For many, surrogacy offers an opportunity to try again. To try something new. 

In my journey, I experienced infertility. My husband and I had to cope with the disappointment of a low-yielding IVF cycle. I remember when we found out that our IVF cycle yielded one lowly-graded embryo. We had waves of disappointment, and our fertility doctor told us we should try again. We were so discouraged, and it took us a while to process the news. We tried, and the pregnancy resulted in a miscarriage. It was a fresh wave of shock, grief, and disappointment. But our doctor was right. And he held some hope for us when we weren’t ready. He told us to try again. And we did. Next time, we had a son! And from that same batch of embryos, we recently welcomed a daughter to our family.

My story will not look exactly like everyone else’s, but I share it because I want to speak to that hopeful part. You’ve been through a lot to get to surrogacy. Surrogacy can bring new highs and lows—moments of fear and moments of joy. Remember that you are not alone on this journey, and I am hopeful that the best is yet to come for you.

Paul Karp is a registered Associate Marriage and Family Therapist in California

AMFT # 158049 

Supervised by James A. Moore, LMFT #109887

https://www.paulkarptherapy.com/