An Interview With A Dad Through Surrogacy
Tessa Coffey
A Journey to Parenthood: One Dad’s Honest Look at the Highs and Lows of Surrogacy
The surrogacy journey is rarely simple, but with the support of a dedicated agency and a strong community, it becomes a path filled with hope and fulfillment. That truth shines through in the story of Aaron, a dad through surrogacy, whom we had the privilege of visiting this weekend in his sunny Bay Area home. Joined by his partner and his six-month-old identical twin girls, Aaron opened up about his experience, honestly sharing the real challenges that can come with surrogacy.
Aaron’s journey to fatherhood began five years ago. As he reflected on the path that led him to his daughters, his gratitude, resilience, and the overwhelming love that now fills his home were unmistakable. We’re honored he shared his story with us and hope it can serve as inspiration to others, regardless of where they are on their journey to parenthood.
What was important to you in a surrogate?
I think it goes back to that connectivity. Connectivity and just feeling comfortable with like smooth conversation with someone and yeah, just building that relationship.
Other than the medical requirements, one thing that was really important to me was location, because I wanted to be a part of the process. I wanted to be at appointments and ultrasounds and really be involved.
What was that match meeting like?
I’ve had two match meetings, because I actually had two surrogates within the five years that I’ve been with Northwest Surrogacy Center. I met with Angel, my Case Manager, before any of the matches and I can’t say enough amazing, incredible things about her. She’s been my rock throughout this entire journey.
But that match meeting is nerve wracking. It really is. It’s the first impressions. It’s asking difficult questions. It’s being a little bit uncomfortable. But it’s really important. And in order for me to feel comfortable moving forward with that surrogate, again, I must have that connection and that feeling of easy rapport.
You can still get a sense of a person, even through Zoom and I was able to walk away from those match meetings feeling really confident with the match that was presented to me, and then also the decision to move forward.
So, I feel like we don’t talk about this enough, how this really can be a journey. Can you share why there was a break in the first match? Was it after failed transfers? Can you talk about that experience and that journey a little bit?
Yeah, of course. With my first surrogate, we did build a nice connection and a nice relationship.
And we did four transfers’ total. Of the four, two were successful. But she miscarried around, I think eight weeks on the first the one, and then around 10 weeks on another transfer. And then two other transfers, there was just no positive pregnancy. So, the embryo must not have latched.
Because my surrogate and I did feel like we had a really nice bond, after the third failed transfer, the physicians were recommending that we part ways. And for reasons unknown, miscarriages happen for many reasons, and we may not always know the answer. It was recommended that we part ways and that I would find another surrogate.
But in that time, because I did feel like we invested a lot into each other in the relationship, I actually found a new egg donor and created another batch of embryos just to try something a little different for that fourth transfer. Fortunately, the physician was agreeable and so we did get that fourth attempt, but it was unsuccessful.
And how hard was that?
The feelings, the emotions aren’t- you don’t know what it’s going to feel like until you go through it. And it was rough. The emotional rollercoaster was not something I anticipated. I didn’t anticipate having four unsuccessful transfers. It was rough.
I didn’t tell a lot of people that I was going through the surrogacy journey, which in hindsight, I wish I had because I probably would’ve had a much larger support network. But the small support system that I did have was fantastic. But yeah, nobody wants to feel like a failure, and nobody wants to feel like their dreams are being crushed.
And there were not once, not twice, but four times that I just felt embarrassed. I felt like a failure. You look up at the sky and you ask why, and you question a lot of things. And then you also think about giving up and thinking that maybe this isn’t a path for me. And so that, that was a really hard couple of years.
So, your second match meeting, what was that like?
There was hesitation, just because of the prior years and having doubts. But Angel (Aaron’s NWSC Case Manager) was by my side the entire time. And this match was a little different because there was a partner involved as well. And so, I was not just meeting one person, I was meeting two people. But I thought the questions that were asked and the responses that were given were really from the heart. Very early on in that meeting, I got a sense of authenticity from Katie and Liam, which is my surrogate’s name, and her partner.
I got the feeling that they were doing this truly out of the goodness of their hearts, that they had a deep desire to help another family. And walking away from that meeting, I gave Angel maybe less than a day and just said, absolutely yes. Like, I would love to move forward because I just felt like these people were really special and I would love for them to be a part of my next attempt at having a baby.
And then, did you go to that first ultrasound, the heartbeat confirmation ultrasound?
No, I wasn’t able to attend that first one in person. But I was on Zoom, so, I did join via video, and I was at work. I made a joke saying, “is that two?” Like thinking I was kidding. And the sonographer said there are two babies there. Yeah. And I think I started crying.
Crying just absolute tears of joy? Or like overwhelmed shock?
Yeah, I think D, all the above. The emotions were high. Thankfully, I was by myself in my office at work, and so I could release all of that. And I came home immediately, and I told Igor, my partner, or I showed him the picture, I think. And it was quite the shock but the excitement was definitely felt all around.
So, what advice would you give to families that are waiting to be matched?
I think patience is something hard to navigate sometimes, and especially when you’re going through ups and downs or if other variables in your life might be, causing excess stressors. But, with my experience with Northwest Surrogacy Center and with my Case Manager, Angel, I was able to trust the process. So, trust the process and really be kind to yourself because this journey may take longer than you had anticipated.
It may be more expensive than you had planned out for. And there may be bumps in the road that you just did not think about, that you are forced to acknowledge and go through. And some of it’s good and some of it might not be so good. And so be kind to yourself is what I would say.
What is it like being a gay parent in society today with the current political climate?
I think living in California does make things a little bit easier and living in a more welcoming environment is helpful. I have had a really great experience so far, from the hospital in Oregon where these two ladies were born. Everybody was amazing from admission to discharge, and the experience was great. Being back home for the past six months we’ve gone out; we go to the farmers’ market with them on Sunday and we go to Target and we’ve been going to restaurants and I feel like we have really been approached with kindness. And they are beautiful of course, too, so that helps.
There’s maybe been a couple occurrences, um, tough questions have been asked where I wasn’t sure how to answer regarding Mother’s Day.
How are you going to navigate Mother’s Day, or how are you going to navigate when the girls are older at school?
There might be some bullying with having a different family compared to what other families might look like. And I don’t know if I have all the answers right now of how I will respond, but I think it all comes down to open communication. That there are differences in the world and that it’s okay to be different. So, I don’t know how those conversations are going to go, but I feel like if it’s given with love, kindness, and an open heart, then I’m hopeful that the girls won’t have to struggle at all with being a little bit different or coming from a little bit of a different family.
Can you tell me a little bit more about how you were treated specifically at the hospital? When you went in for the delivery?
I was actually there completely by myself. Igor, my partner, stayed back home with the dog and the house and that plan just worked out better for us.
One of my very best friends, Christina, lives in Southern Oregon, which is where Katie delivered and where these girls were born. My Case Manager Angel did an incredible, incredible job reaching out to the hospital ahead of time with a lot of our information and our plans and what we were hoping for.
The hospital really delivered, not only delivered the babies, but also delivered excellent care and excellent respect. From the physicians to the nurses to the financial people, everybody was so kind and respectful. I was able to get my own room and Katie, my surrogate, and I are very close. We were allowed to have a room right next to each other. We went back and forth to each other’s rooms with the babies.
I’m so appreciative that I was allowed to be in the operating room when the C-section was taking place. I got to hold (baby A) first because she came out first and then, right when we got (baby A) situated, (baby B) came out and they handed her to me immediately.
I’ve never experienced anything like that before, but to have that opportunity to be in the operating room, to hold my girls for the first time, was just kind of magical. I’m really grateful to the hospital and everyone that worked there because it is a smaller town and sometimes in a smaller town, you may not have as much access to that kindness, welcoming and respect for being different. You know, as a gay man having a family, I experienced nothing but genuine kindness and respect.
If you could give a message to your surrogate right now, what would it be?
I don’t think thank you, just saying thank you is enough.
She opened her heart. She opened her world and her family and took the most incredible care of herself during the pregnancy. And she was and is, just the kindest soul and so, I’m just so grateful.
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